menometrorrhagia

1. I'm flying out to Utah tomorrow for an interview. I think God does not want me to move my family to Utah because he has caused a storm to hit the area this week. Unlike the beautiful weather I encountered in Charlottesville, I can expect precipitation and low temperatures. Still, it's a better outlook than when I checked on Sunday and it called for a "severe winter storm" of snow and ice with a high temp of 40.

2. Congratulations to the citizens of Farmers Branch, Texas for placing themselves on the intellectually unable to perform list. If Seinfeld did a show in Dallas, it would go like this:

Jerry: What's the deal with racism?

Crowd: Hey, I am racist!

Jerry: Ooohh, didn't realize the Farmers Branch folk would be at the show tonight. Would you like some seltzer for your salsa?

Crowd: Speak English!

3. College football: Okay, UT's season now seems like a disappointment even though logic indicates it will end up exactly as most people predicted, i.e., with two losses. Colt McCoy's spectacular emergence spirited everyone away to the land of fairy-tales and back-to-back national championships. The reason for this is that most people focused on the loss of VY, which was easy to do since he was the single most talented player to ever lace up cleats for the Longhorns, but they (we) failed to give adequate weight for the losses of Michael Huff and Cedric Griffin. The thinking was that Michael Griffin would just slide into Huff's role, but that has proven to be egregiously mistaken. Not that Griffin has played terrible ball, he's just no Michael Huff. And neither Aaron Ross nor Tarrell Brown is Cedric Griffin. On the plus side, you have to imagine that this season has cooled some of the suitors for Gene Chizik's services. He could be on the short list for some big jobs next year. I'd be surprised if Bobby Bowden sticks it out for more than one more year. Joe Paterno, too. On a lower level, the Stanford and Virginia jobs could open up next year, though I doubt Chizik would be interested in Stanford.

Baylor's season has been an unmitigated disaster. Instead of taking a big step forward and landing a bowl game, they took a couple steps back. They lost to a terrible Army team, failed to take advantage of a golden opportunity against TCU (apparently due to poor conditioning as players dropped off left and right with cramps in the fourth quarter), let a bad A&M team beat them, had their QB suffer a career ending injury, and suspended their most talented player on offense. One can only hope that next year the turnovers will be fewer, the conditioning better, and the bowl game existent.

The BCS blows. The notion that Texas wouldn't destroy any team from the Big East is laughable. WVU and Rutgers especially would have no chance, unless they ran a dozen half-back passes and flea flickers, which would be automatic touchdowns.

4. Did you know that currently the law in Pakistan states that a woman who is raped cannot prosecute her attacker without four male witnesses? And that in the absence of these witnesses she could herself be prosecuted for adultery? That's what this article from the BBC says. Hopefully the law will change. Props to Musharraf. America ain't perfect, but we don't dig on rapists.

5. Also from the BBC, the stupidest application of cool technology ever.

6. Check out this gem from McSweeney's. Haha, everyone hates Ann Coulter.

7. The "McSweeney's Recommends" section seems to be losing it's touch. They recommend both Studio 60 and Heroes. Studio 60 is nowhere near the first season of West Wing, and not as innovative as Sportsnight. My biggest complaint is that Bradley Whitford thinks that Danny Tripp and Josh Lyman are the same guy. I wish that were the case because Josh Lyman in seasons 1 through 3 of West Wing is one of my favorite television characters of all time, right after the entire cast of Cheers, JD Dorian from Scrubs, and George Costanza from Seinfeld.

As for Heroes, I have to admit it's not as terrible as I had at first thought. They still lose a tremendous amount of points for failing to get the basics of evolution correct, but this turns out to be a relatively small part of the show. It's still bad, but not nearly as bad as the Captain America movie starring JD Salinger's son. So there's that going for it.

8. A quick read through this article brings up many of the issues that make me a conflicted Catholic. I'm totally on board with the position on Iraq, and, in fact, the Church's overall view on war as outlined in this document from the National Conference of Catholic Bishops. They really lose me, however, when they start talking about homosexuality and contraception. Stating that homosexuality is a disorder is foolishness. In so stating, the Church is overstepping it's domain in the same manner that led to the persecution of Galileo. I fully expect to hear about the papal encyclical on hypertension any day. I will give every bit as much credence to that encyclical as I do to the Church's stance that homosexuality represents an illness. The notion that every one of the 700 trillion sperm I have loosed upon this world deserves its shot at becoming half a baby is equally ludicrous. Here's a clue: GOD DOESN'T CARE IF YOU USE CONTRACEPTION. Morons. Sex is not some precious commodity to be withheld for the very rare occasions when you would like to create some offspring. In fact, sex is about the only resource in this world that is prevalent in equal proportion to the number of humans on the planet. When someone goes on a spending spree, we often remark that they are "spending money like it's water." Water is not actually that common a resource. In fact a large percentage of the world's population does not have adequate access to clean water. But every community on this planet has free access to sex. Which is why from now on, whenver I see somebody go on a spending spree, I'm going to say they are spending money like sex. Sluts.

9. I fully recognize that #8 above completely derailed. I think the point was going to be that Catholicism doesn't have an official position protecting rapists, but I didn't want to hear about the "unofficial position protecting pedophiles" that was sure to crop up from someone.

10. Here's a joke I tried to make at a recent film committee meeting. I don't think it went over particularly well and I'm not sure if people didn't get it, thought it was too offensive, or just didn't think it was funny. [Portion in brackets not stated at meeting.  Funnier with or without bracketed material?  Just not funny?]

When the med TV guy (who looks like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons) says the script isn't funny, say "You're married right?" He'll say, "Yeah." You continue, "Well, you're really unattractive, [so obviously not everything in this world is judged on its merits, so shut up and make our movie]."

I guess I should have just said to ask when the last time he opened at the Apollo was, or ask to see his Oscar for best comedy, or the transcript of his conversations with David Sedaris where David asks him for help with his writing. And a BJ.