menometrorrhagia

1. Baylor started the game kicking Texas's ass. Then the stupid upside down horns thing came back to bite them in the ass and the college football universe remained appropriately intact. I didn't get to see the game, but I did see the highlight of Jermichael Finley's TD catch. That dude is a monster. He shows flashes of greatness.

2. Now that Florida has lost and USC has struggled for three weeks in a row, it makes some sense to ponder what needs to happen for Texas to make it to the national championship game.

Here are the most relevant USA Today rankings after this weekend: 1. Ohio State, 2. USC, 3. Michigan, 4. West Virginia, 5. Texas, 6. Louisville, 7. Auburn, 8. Notre Dame, 9. Tennessee, 10. Florida, 11. California, and 19. Rutgers. I suspect the AP poll will be identical through the top six at least. I included Rutgers because they are still undefeated and if they run the table could end up getting some consideration.

So what has to happen for Texas to earn a shot at defending the title? First, obviously Texas has to win out. With a tough game in Lincoln, Nebraska this week and the conference championship game against (probably) Nebraska or Mizzou, this is not a given, especially with the way the secondary has played this season (granted they've been beset by injuries and dumbasses). Second, Ohio State has to win out or lose convincingly twice. The best thing for Texas is for OSU to win out. This would elminate Michigan and make the early season loss look the best that it can. Next, USC has to lose, but they have to lose to the right team. If USC loses to Notre Dame or Cal that could propel those teams ahead of Texas. Finally, the WVU/Louisville winner has to lose to somebody else, like Pitt or Rutgers. I would also be worried that a one-loss SEC champ (Auburn, Florida, or Tennessee) could jump Texas. Hopefully Georgia and LSU can salvage their seasons by ruining those of others.

Looking at the schedules, it seems this season will be pretty interesting until the final two weeks with a lot potentially riding on ND/USC, OSU/Mich, Louisville/Pitt, and Texas/TAMU. Even then the Big 12 and SEC conference championship games could be huge in determining the national championship game opponents. I'm not a real big fan of parity, but this season is really exciting.

3. My prediction is that Michigan will beat OSU, negating everything I said above. I also expect the Louisville/WVU winner to go undefeated and make the national championship game. I'm pulling for Louisville in that scenario. 

4. Props to Jake for calling Auburn over Florida. Or at least saying that Florida shouldn't be favored in that game, which I guess is the same thing.

5. Please, God, let USC lose. I can't believe they keep pulling out these wins against nobodies. With any luck they lose three of their last four games (Oregon, Cal, ND, UCLA).

6. I passed the USMLE step 2 Clinical Skills exam. Yay! I speak intelligible English! After only 9 years of post-secondary education!

7. But I got shot down by Wash U's neurology department. Fuckers.

8. Deon Beasley better learn a whole lot this week, Tarrell Brown's toe better heal fast, and whoever needs to get healthy to get Matt Melton off the field needs to do it quick, or Nebraska's offense could go upside the collective heads of the Longhorn secondary next weekend. Biting hard on the play action pass could be their undoing.

9.  Morningstar and I saw The Science of Sleep last night. I wasn't quite satisfied with the ending, but it still gets a rating of "highly recommend, even to people I like" from me. Fans of Amelie and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind will enjoy it.

10. My parents came to visit Phenie this weekend. We were trying to think of a restaurant to eat at Friday night, when I remembered this little Mediterranean place called Afrah that Morningstar and I had been to recently. Their baked goods -- bakklava, pita bread, stuff I can't pronounce -- are out of this world. Seemed like a good idea, it was a low key place when we went there last on a Friday night.

But that Friday night wasn't during Ramadan.

My mom was pretty oblivious, but my dad was obviously uncomfortable in a crowded restaurant full of Muslims speaking Arabic. Some memorable moments: "This is the only meal they get, buddy." -- Dad, at full volume in reference to Ramadan. "They have little shops run by people like these full of knock off brands from places like Pakistan *laugh*" paraphrased from Mom, also at full volume. 

I suppose the justification for this blog focusing much more on college football than anything medically related is that I'm a fourth year and don't really have to pay attention to anything anymore, so screw it.

 

I'd like to revisit my post from just before the season kicked off that outlined my predictions for the year. Let's see how I'm doing so far:

1. Heismann: Quinn is pretty much out of the running at this point. Peterson has an outside shot, but it looks like a race between Troy Smith and Steve Slaton from this point on. Had he escaped injury I still believe Brohm could have gotten an invitation to NY, so I'm going to call this one one for three.

2. Baylor resurgence: The Bears lost a game I thought they wouldn't (Army), but won one I didn't think they could (Colorado), so it's a wash at this point. I'm sticking with my 7-5 prediction, but I'm changing the specific game calls. I don't think Baylor can beat OU this year. The Sooners offensive line and QB have played better than expected this year. I do think that Baylor can beat Tech this year because they look terrible.

3. Texas: I'm feeling pretty good about my Longhorn prediction at this point, but given the prospect of playing Boise State in the Fiesta and the better-than-expected play from McCoy I think I'll change it to 13-1 with a win in the Fiesta Bowl.

4. National Championship Game: I'm sticking with Michigan for this one. Iowa and Ohio State are really the only teams I think have a shot at knocking them off. I'm changing my pick for their opponent from an SEC team to Louisville. The Cardinals have been impressive despite playing half their games without their two best players. I'm backing off the SEC because I think all those teams will knock each other off. Auburn, Georgia, and even South Carolina have the potential to take Florida down, leaving you with a bunch of one-loss teams.

5. USC: I stand by my USC-Pac10 champ prediction and my loss to Cal prediction. They will still claim to be the best team in the country after losing the Rose Bowl to Ohio State or an SEC team.

6. Oriental rental: My discovery of the (evil) magic of television on the internet rendered this prediction moot.

7. Mentos+diet Coke: Still awaiting the report of one of my readers blowing up like a sea gull on alka-seltzer.

Now for comments on the comments to the original prediction post:

1. Jake clowned my Michigan prediction citing ND, PSU, and OSU. What do you think at midseason?

2. Chris: "The season rises and sets in Colt McCoy's ass." I would think that would be uncomfortable. Looks like it's been rising all year. Also, what's your new pick for the national championship game matchup?

In honor of the one hundred and twelfth anniversary of President Grover Cleveland's pardoning of bigamists, adulterers, polygamists, and unlawful cohabitants (9/25/1894), I present the first and only menometrorrhagia poetry festival. Submissions to the comments are encouraged, especially along the themes of obesity, college football, or things that are better than sliced bread.

Lines written while walking along Inwood Drive
I saw a pigeon on a power line that looked like a hawk
I called out but he didn't want to talk
He just shit on my hat and flew off with a squawk
I said Up yours, buddy!

I saw a cat in the corner that looked like a lion
I got his attention without even tryin'
His piss on my shoe smelled like fish that was fryin'
I said Up yours, buddy!

I saw a dog in the dark that looked like a bear
I shook his paw and we were a pair
We got along til he licked off my hair
I said Up yours, buddy!

I saw a fox in a field that looked like a fox
I took off her shoes and nibbled her socks
She looked good with the mumps and hot with the pox
I said Will you have my baby!




Another Pawpaw limerick that would have worked better live
There once was a man from Nantucket
Traveling to the bay with a bucket
But his truck hit a bump and the bucket got dumped
And along came Pawpaw who took it.

Just a quick dirty post to sum up how my gridiron predictions have panned out.

Michigan rebounds to make me look more like a genius.
Baylor blows it to make me look like a fool.
Brian Brohm kicks ass to make me look like a genius.
Brian Brohm suffers injury to throwing hand, out for half the season, no chance for Heisman, I look like a fool.
Nebraska not quite ready for prime time, genius.
Texas lost to Buckeyes, sleepwalking through rest of season until Fiesta Bowl, genius.

Not too bad overall.

Just to get this blog back on track, here's a medical term you can come up with your own definition for. True definition to be revealed on Monday:

Gelastic seizure

1. I made a dangerous discovery this weekend: TVU.
2. Notre Dame tried to make me look like a genius.
3. Baylor blew it but showed signs of being decent. Their defense was great for most of three quarters. Their offense did whatever they wanted until they got to the red zone. If they avoid the turnovers on their first two possessions of the second half they win this game.
4. Michigan made me look less like a genius than Notre Dame.
5. Auburn is now my team to beat for the NC.
6. Sucks for Michael Bush, but now if Louisville does anything my dark horse Heisman guy has a better shot. But not bloody likely.
7. I don't study enough.

In honor of college football's glorious return tomorrow with no less than 16 games kicking off between 6 and 10:30 ET, I'm going to roll out my poorly thought out predictions for the season.

1. If Notre Dame does better than 9-3 Brady Quinn will win the Heisman. Worse than that and Adrian Peterson is the front-runner. My favorite dark horse candidate: Brian Brohm.

2. Baylor will finish third in the Big 12 South. I'm going to say 7-5 or 8-4 with the opener against TCU being the swing
game. Wins over Northwestern State, Army, K-State, Kansas, TAMU, OU, and Oklahoma State. OU might be a stretch, but with the debacle at QB the Sooners have going on, and extrapolating from last year's overtime game, it's doable. They might conceivably beat Tech too, but I wouldn't bet on it. The Bears don't have the depth at DB to run with Tech.

3. UT goes 12-2 with losses to the Buckeyes and the Fiesta Bowl opponent. Nobody in the Big 12 South competes this year, and the Horns defense and speed to the corner on offense expose Nebraska as not quite ready for prime time. Twice.

4. Michigan versus SEC champ for the national championship. The Wolverines are pretty stacked on offense, and if they get through the Big Ten with only one loss that's not to Ohio State then they can punch their ticket. I'm not sure who
wins the SEC, but if somebody does it without a loss (or with one loss depending on the rest of the contenders) they have the inside track. My money's on Auburn or LSU.

5. USC will win the Pac 10 but lose to Cal. They will play for their fourth consecutive national championship in the Rose Bowl.

6. I will contemplate buying a TV just to watch football this year. I'm considering a series of Sears rentals: buying a TV and returning it within the return policy from several stores in succession until the season is over.

7. You guys were not adequately awed by the power of Mentos and Diet Coke evidenced in the links provided in my prior post. I predict this will bite you in the ass when you fail to heed the warnings and eat Mentos with Diet Coke, producing projectile vomiting and a ruptured ulcer in your esophagus. I predict I won't feel sorry for you.

Terrible Vegetarian Date Conversations vol. 1:

 1. "Hi I'm Juan Cue. I'm so vegetarian my middle name's Tofu."

     "So you're name is Juan Tofu Cue?"

     "Well I don't usually on the first date, but okay."

2. "So you don't eat any animal products?"

    "Well I do eat pussy."

 

Unused Limericks for Pawpaw's Birthday Party

   Once Pawpaw's fly was not at the top

    Pete worried that out his peter might pop

    But Pawpaw just sighed

    And quietly replied

    The most it could do is just flop

 

Other post ideas:

    My baby the super genius

    My baby the most beautiful ever?

    Phenie greater than Mozart?

On to other randomly strewn bits of blogging:
1. Fat people should not be allowed to work in health care. And not because the hypocrisy is astounding and the notion of eating one's self to a slow death flies against the principles of modern medicine. Well, not just for that. 
Fat people are slow. Medicine moves fast. When things need to get done you need to be able to move your ass.
And you need to be able to move it quick enough to outpace the progression of global warming. If you're too fat to do that you need to find a different line of work.
2. My music library now boasts the inclusion of Kris Kristofferson, Neil Diamond, The Cars, and Nirvana.
Nirvana makes me feel much younger. And makes Phenie shake her bootie and wear a mohawk in the 
bathtub. (Okay, I made her wear a mohawk in the bathtub. But we were listening to Nirvana at the time.)
3. About two weeks ago a girl in my class whom I don't really know emailed the entire class a link to pictures of her newborn son. Make that pictures of the birth of her newborn son. Okay, pictures of her newborn son with the umbilical cord stretched taut between her stirruped legs and into her womb. Well, really pictures of her newborn son still attached to her womb by the umbilical cord that showed a bit of labia and bush to relative strangers. Actually, they were pictures of her newborn son and her snatch as taken by her father and displayed on the internet to strangers. WTF?

I turned 29 today. Not sure there's a stupider age to be than 29. "Yay!! A whole year to ponder turning thirty and to catalog all the things I failed to accomplish with my youth!"

Anyway, here are two of my current favorite vocabulary words:
Bruxism -- the childhood affliction I had instead of trichotillomania, which was probably the first of what would prove to be many character traits that annoyed my dad.
Abulia -- a word to describe a state which renders those who suffer from it too 
apathetic to look it up.

Also, herewith a list of the cool things I've seen on neurology so far: Paraneoplastic Cerebellar Degeneration (w/opsiclonus), Myasthenia gravis, Non-convulsive Status Epilepticus, and a man walk after a left MCA stroke.