menometrorrhagia

I've never done one of these, but they seem to work for other blogs so here goes. My trip to Utah, by the numbers:

5 -- hours spent in the air traveling from Dallas to Salt Lake City

4 -- hours spent in the Phoenix airport waiting for connecting flight to Salt Lake City

35 -- minutes spent waiting for my luggage to appear on baggage claim carousel in SLC before realizing that no more luggage was coming and my bag was nowhere to be found

1 -- inch within taking a man's life for losing my bag I came before they located my bag in a back room where it was stored because it came on an earlier flight while I was sitting for four hours in the Phoenix airport

70 -- dollars, approximate cost of my meal with current residents at a Brazilian steak house

10 -- dollars, approximate reasonable cost of the grilled vegetables, pineapple, and hummus I ate at Brazilian steak house

3000 -- approximate number of times I had to decline servers entreaties to try one of their skewers of grilled meats

72 -- seconds of conversation managed during dinner without interruption by servers with skewers of grilled meats

1 -- Kleenex folded into a fan in my hotel room

0 -- minutes the light rail train was late to go to the medical center, it was awesome

51 -- degrees Fahrenheit, the temperature Friday morning, which was brisk, clear, and completely the opposite of the predictions I had read online

6 and 5 -- feet and inches, respectively, of a girl interviewing for an internship spot at Utah

1 -- internal medicine residents from Southwestern who tried to woo me to Utah and internal medicine

50 -- days a neurology resident claimed to have been on the slopes last year during his internship

0 -- people who did not mention how great and easily accessible the skiing was around SLC

0 -- interest I have in strapping ungainly weights to my legs and dangling from a lawn chair 15 feet in the air as it carries me half a mile up a mountainside, but thanks anyway

5 -- separate interviews by neurology faculty

1 -- faculty interviewer who wasn't a freak in some way; this also was the interviewer with whom I felt I bombed the most, which probably says something about me

1 -- thick brown haze of smog overlying the entire city as seen from the medical center

2 -- rides on Express Shuttle between hotel and airport

2 -- overweight and slightly insulting drivers of Express Shuttle

5 -- scary women sharing shuttle from airport on their way to a Xango convention

1 -- of the five women who tried to convince me that Xango would be a great sideline business for me to pay off student loans while offering a great alternative treatment to my future patients

10^345434568796 -- magnitude in kilotons of the strength of will I exhibited in not telling her what a moron she was

1 -- gift bag containing saltwater taffy, honey, and Jello mix given by program coordinator; the taffy was for the Great Salt Lake, the honey for the state motto of industry (as in busy like a bee), and the Jello because Salt Lake City consumes more Jello per capita than any place in the world.

2 -- number of drunken assholes noted in SLC airport waiting to board plane to Phoenix

1 -- number of drunken assholes seated next to me during flight

16 -- estimated number of tequila shots said drunken asshole had consumed prior to boarding flight based on the smell emanating from him

4 -- number of little Jack Daniels bottles served to drunken asshole by flight attendant during flight

7 -- minutes from touchdown in Phoenix until scheduled liftoff of my flight to Dallas

188 -- beats per minute of my heart after sprinting to gate A2 to catch my flight to Dallas

38 -- minutes spent sitting in the plane waiting for takeoff to Dallas with no word from crew as to source of the delay

3 -- crying babies on plane waiting for takeoff

0 -- amount of fun had by me waiting for takeoff

infinity -- amount of joy experienced by me at getting in to the car with my wife and baby to go home

1. I'm flying out to Utah tomorrow for an interview. I think God does not want me to move my family to Utah because he has caused a storm to hit the area this week. Unlike the beautiful weather I encountered in Charlottesville, I can expect precipitation and low temperatures. Still, it's a better outlook than when I checked on Sunday and it called for a "severe winter storm" of snow and ice with a high temp of 40.

2. Congratulations to the citizens of Farmers Branch, Texas for placing themselves on the intellectually unable to perform list. If Seinfeld did a show in Dallas, it would go like this:

Jerry: What's the deal with racism?

Crowd: Hey, I am racist!

Jerry: Ooohh, didn't realize the Farmers Branch folk would be at the show tonight. Would you like some seltzer for your salsa?

Crowd: Speak English!

3. College football: Okay, UT's season now seems like a disappointment even though logic indicates it will end up exactly as most people predicted, i.e., with two losses. Colt McCoy's spectacular emergence spirited everyone away to the land of fairy-tales and back-to-back national championships. The reason for this is that most people focused on the loss of VY, which was easy to do since he was the single most talented player to ever lace up cleats for the Longhorns, but they (we) failed to give adequate weight for the losses of Michael Huff and Cedric Griffin. The thinking was that Michael Griffin would just slide into Huff's role, but that has proven to be egregiously mistaken. Not that Griffin has played terrible ball, he's just no Michael Huff. And neither Aaron Ross nor Tarrell Brown is Cedric Griffin. On the plus side, you have to imagine that this season has cooled some of the suitors for Gene Chizik's services. He could be on the short list for some big jobs next year. I'd be surprised if Bobby Bowden sticks it out for more than one more year. Joe Paterno, too. On a lower level, the Stanford and Virginia jobs could open up next year, though I doubt Chizik would be interested in Stanford.

Baylor's season has been an unmitigated disaster. Instead of taking a big step forward and landing a bowl game, they took a couple steps back. They lost to a terrible Army team, failed to take advantage of a golden opportunity against TCU (apparently due to poor conditioning as players dropped off left and right with cramps in the fourth quarter), let a bad A&M team beat them, had their QB suffer a career ending injury, and suspended their most talented player on offense. One can only hope that next year the turnovers will be fewer, the conditioning better, and the bowl game existent.

The BCS blows. The notion that Texas wouldn't destroy any team from the Big East is laughable. WVU and Rutgers especially would have no chance, unless they ran a dozen half-back passes and flea flickers, which would be automatic touchdowns.

4. Did you know that currently the law in Pakistan states that a woman who is raped cannot prosecute her attacker without four male witnesses? And that in the absence of these witnesses she could herself be prosecuted for adultery? That's what this article from the BBC says. Hopefully the law will change. Props to Musharraf. America ain't perfect, but we don't dig on rapists.

5. Also from the BBC, the stupidest application of cool technology ever.

6. Check out this gem from McSweeney's. Haha, everyone hates Ann Coulter.

7. The "McSweeney's Recommends" section seems to be losing it's touch. They recommend both Studio 60 and Heroes. Studio 60 is nowhere near the first season of West Wing, and not as innovative as Sportsnight. My biggest complaint is that Bradley Whitford thinks that Danny Tripp and Josh Lyman are the same guy. I wish that were the case because Josh Lyman in seasons 1 through 3 of West Wing is one of my favorite television characters of all time, right after the entire cast of Cheers, JD Dorian from Scrubs, and George Costanza from Seinfeld.

As for Heroes, I have to admit it's not as terrible as I had at first thought. They still lose a tremendous amount of points for failing to get the basics of evolution correct, but this turns out to be a relatively small part of the show. It's still bad, but not nearly as bad as the Captain America movie starring JD Salinger's son. So there's that going for it.

8. A quick read through this article brings up many of the issues that make me a conflicted Catholic. I'm totally on board with the position on Iraq, and, in fact, the Church's overall view on war as outlined in this document from the National Conference of Catholic Bishops. They really lose me, however, when they start talking about homosexuality and contraception. Stating that homosexuality is a disorder is foolishness. In so stating, the Church is overstepping it's domain in the same manner that led to the persecution of Galileo. I fully expect to hear about the papal encyclical on hypertension any day. I will give every bit as much credence to that encyclical as I do to the Church's stance that homosexuality represents an illness. The notion that every one of the 700 trillion sperm I have loosed upon this world deserves its shot at becoming half a baby is equally ludicrous. Here's a clue: GOD DOESN'T CARE IF YOU USE CONTRACEPTION. Morons. Sex is not some precious commodity to be withheld for the very rare occasions when you would like to create some offspring. In fact, sex is about the only resource in this world that is prevalent in equal proportion to the number of humans on the planet. When someone goes on a spending spree, we often remark that they are "spending money like it's water." Water is not actually that common a resource. In fact a large percentage of the world's population does not have adequate access to clean water. But every community on this planet has free access to sex. Which is why from now on, whenver I see somebody go on a spending spree, I'm going to say they are spending money like sex. Sluts.

9. I fully recognize that #8 above completely derailed. I think the point was going to be that Catholicism doesn't have an official position protecting rapists, but I didn't want to hear about the "unofficial position protecting pedophiles" that was sure to crop up from someone.

10. Here's a joke I tried to make at a recent film committee meeting. I don't think it went over particularly well and I'm not sure if people didn't get it, thought it was too offensive, or just didn't think it was funny. [Portion in brackets not stated at meeting.  Funnier with or without bracketed material?  Just not funny?]

When the med TV guy (who looks like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons) says the script isn't funny, say "You're married right?" He'll say, "Yeah." You continue, "Well, you're really unattractive, [so obviously not everything in this world is judged on its merits, so shut up and make our movie]."

I guess I should have just said to ask when the last time he opened at the Apollo was, or ask to see his Oscar for best comedy, or the transcript of his conversations with David Sedaris where David asks him for help with his writing. And a BJ.

This is a hilarious bit of satire that one would not normally expect to find in a respected medical journal.  It also may only be funny to med-folk in the midst of the evidence-based medicine revolution.  If you think it's funny, you should check out the responses to the article as well.

My post this morning was mostly in jest.  My update was made with full confidence that the Horns would pull it out in the second half.  This update is made with disbelief that Joe Walker managed to cost the Horns yet again.  I call upon Ojo to post the litany of games swayed to the loss column by the swirling vortex of the Anti-Victory.  The loss of Colt McCoy hurt a lot, but Jevan Snead settled down and played well enough to win the game had the running backs not fumbled twice in the third quarter to set up easy touchdowns for K-State.  I certainly hope Colt McCoy is able to come back and play next week and that Joe Walker gets fired and his office burned.

Ohio State 42 -- Florida 13 is the new national championship prediction.  Boise State might give the Horns a game if Joe Walker remains associated with the team.  Worst decision Mack has made as a head coach was hiring him.

Goddamn my prognostic acuity!  And damn the curse of Joe Walker.  I blame him for the injury to Colt McCoy that turned this game from a sure rout into a close game that K-State is currently leading by a touchdown at halftime.  Just when it was starting to look so promising for the Horns to go back to the title game with the losses by Louisville, Auburn and Cal and the close call by Florida.  If Snead can hold it together for two games they'll play for the national championship.  Come on Jevan!

Texas will see it's national title aspirations fizzle today in Manhattan, Kansas.

Normally I would predict the three touchdown beatdown that logic dictates.  Today, however, the Horns must play against the Wildcats of Kansas State and the curse of the Anti-Victory thanks to the Austin American-Statesman.

Learning about the presence of the Anti-Victory on the coaching staff of the secondary explains a great deal of how terrible that unit has played at times this year.  Learning that he was on the staff last year simply makes the magnitude of Vince Young's indomitable Aura of Victory even more astounding.  I mean, his powers could only be rivaled by the likes of Jesus Christ himself, for who else could beat the greatest team in the history of college football in their home stadium with the Anti-Victory on his own sideline?  It's like Superman beating up on Galactus while wearing Kryptonite underwear.  Unbelievable.

1.

C. One of the radiology residents I have worked with on nuclear medicine is real bitter and angry. He would find fault with every single study ordered and berate the ordering physician as an idiot. I think he was bitter because he looks like Corky's stunt double.

6. haha, scrawny white guys are unattractive and their wives don't want to do it with them, hahahaha

IV. A 350 lb black woman told me she hoped her thyroid disease didn't cause her to have exophthalmos because she was "big sexy" and "didn't need all that going on". I had to really bite my tongue.

1.3.5a - I picked up my little girl this afternoon and she farted on me and laughed like it was the funniest thing that ever happened. She wasn't laughing when I farted on her head ten minutes later.

iix. I really like this song.

 

Not sure it's the best background music for whoring it up all over town though.

2. Fat people are funny.

3. I got pwn3d by tom in a discussion on my brother's blog. Hakeem > Robinson. There, I said it. I don't think either is one of the top 5 of all time, though. Jordan, Oscar Robertson, Magic, Bird, Irving, Kareem, Wilt, Cousy -- all beat out the Dream.

C. Learn English or get pwn3d by your kids' music.

V-a.2-4 Okay, that's all.

3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592. College football upsets this week: bizarro-UT over Arkansas, Oregon over USC, Nebbish over TAMU, Florida State over Wake Forest.

MS dilemmae

1. Choosing how to rank residency programs is going to be tough.  Proximity to family is huge to me.  I want my little girl to be close to her grandparents, aunts, and uncles the way I was.  Unfortunately I have to choose proximity to my family or my wife's family, rather than being close to both.  There are no residency programs near enough to my family that would allow random trips to see the grandparents in Victoria.  Houston is the closest viable option, and it's two hours away.  Weekend visits would be easy, but popping over for dinner is right out.  There's also the fact that I just don't want to live in a city the size of Houston.  I don't like living in Dallas either, but my wife's parents are only 20 minutes away.

So I've limited my Texas options to Dallas, but since I don't like Dallas, I'm faced with weighing the merits of more appealing places to live against being close to family.  Charlottesville, for instance, is a gorgeous college town with fewer than 50k inhabitants that manages to draw Yo Yo Ma for concerts.  It's pretty much my ideal setting, except it's a five hour plane ride or ~25 hour drive away from any family.

I didn't even consider going out of state for college because I wanted to be close to my family, but I have occasionally regretted that decision.  In the absence of Phenie, I would be much more inclined to go anywhere in the world for a few years.  But Phenie is here, and my goal is for her to have the ties to her grandparents that I have to mine.  I would also, however, like to give her the opportunity to live amongst history and natural beauty that doesn't exist near her grandparents.

2. I am starting to grow weary of the fourth year sham of medical school.  I want to see patients, improve my skillset, and feel like a doctor.   Instead I sit around for four hours a day waiting for two separate thirty-minute sessions of actual instruction in reading exceedingly obvious nuclear medicine scans.  What a waste of time.

The dilemma I'm faced with is the prospect of changing my schedule in January to have a difficult, clinical month taking care of patients, or to keep my anesthesiology month in place and extend my four month vacation.  The only thing keeping me from dropping aneshtesiology is the possibility of having to do more interviews in January.  If I can rule those out I'm-a drop it like it's hot.

CFB

1.  Should Colt McCoy be considered for the Heisman?  Based on stats, absolutely.  He compares favorably with the two quarterbacks mentioned most often as front-runners, Troy Smith and Brady Quinn.  Based on the "best player on the best team" approach, no.  Aaron Ross or Limas Sweed would be the candidate from the Horns using that criteria.  Mike Hart would be my pick if this were the standard.  Based on the "career achievement" notion that Mack Brown apparently favors, no.  I think this is a foolish way to view the award.  If you use this standard you should only give it out every four years.

2.  Should Jevan Snead transfer?  This isn't so much a dilemma as a clash of perspectives.  From Snead's perspective the answer is a resounding YES.  From the perspective of the University of Texas and it's legion of fans the answer is a moderately less resounding NO.  Quality backups are necessary.

3.  Is it better for Louisville to lose to Rutgers or in the championship game?  A loss to Rutgers might put Texas in the national title game, but a drubbing in low-drawing championship might motivate the TV folks to push for a playoff system.  I'm hoping Florida somehow jumps Louisville, leaving the Fiesta Bowl with the opportunity to have Texas play the Cardinals.  There's almost no way that could happen though.

First a few shout outs of some mad props:
1. My older brother is fucking BAD!  And if you don't believe it he will sue your ass just because he can.
2. My friend Jacob, who I suppose still counts me as a friend despite our failure to communicate except via flickr comments for the past year, is also fucking BAD!  For proof, see the Austin Chronicle's recommended shows this week.  He's the bemused looking chap in the back right.

Thoughts from the trip to Virginia:

1. The airport in Charlotte, NC has something found in few, if any, airports around the world -- rocking chairs, scores of white, wooden rocking chairs with people rocking in them as they read the paper.

2. If the Snake Diggity Postulate, first put forth here, which states that people not from Texas are by default unattractive, is true, then the Hotties Of Texas Taking In Extra States (HOTTIES) must have been having their annual retreat in Charlottesville last week.

3. After the hard sell from Southwestern and meeting more of the residents, I had decided that a program would have to really blow me away for me to leave Dallas. UVa blew me away. Taking proximity to family out of the equation I would leap head first at the opportunity to go to Charlottesville for four years. The faculty are outstanding, personable, and invested in the residents. The city is what I imagine Austin was like a couple decades ago, but set in a more lush landscape. The residents are happy, friendly, and crazy-smart. The hospital is modern, comfortable, and efficient.

4. I have never been anywhere as serenely beautiful as Charlottesville in the fall. The leaves were stunning in their autumn glory, beckoning from the foothills of Appalachia. Or some poetic shit like that but less gay. It was pretty.

5. Thomas Mother-f____n' Jefferson was a phenomenal man. The campus of UVa is like a centuries old testament to his genius. And I didn't even get to see Monticello. His connection to Charlottesville does get played up to a ridiculous degree, but the hype is justified. I don't care if he did sleep with his slaves and have a bunch of high-yella kids. Dude was bad.

 

College Football

1. Louisville bitches! I got to see most of the second half in my hotel room. This was a pretty good game. My opinion of WVU changed a little. I had thought their offense was over-rated, but it is easily the match of any in college football. Their defense, however, is as terrible as I thought. Their linebackers bit HARD on every play action pass. Brian Brohm is incredible. The pass he threw for their final touchdown was absolutely perfect. A laser guided missile would have been less accurate. He is all the more impressive for having comeback from a blown ACL. He may have worked his way above Slaton (two big fumbles in second half) for the Heisman runner-up spot. The Cardinals' defense was pretty weak on the whole, but when they forced WVU into passing situations their defensive ends looked good. I hope Louisville somehow finds their way to the Fiesta Bowl to play Texas. Since both defenses were worse than I thought the score was higher than I predicted, but I nailed the spread. I'm applying for a residency in Vegas this week.

2. As I write this Vandy is hanging around Florida, down 9 early in the third quarter, and Baylor is getting shellacked by Tech. Baylor is more likely to go 4-8 than the 8-4 I predicted at the beginning of the season. The near misses against TCU, Washington State, and Army really hurt. Three games lost by a total of 19 points. If they beat WSU I think they beat Army and give the Ags a better game.

College Football

1. Texas got lucky to be in a position to beat Tech last weekend, but Colt McCoy was money. Props also to Ryan Palmer for big plays that (partially) redeemed his terrible game against Ohio State. Still wondering what Eric Jackson has to do to get in the mix at safety. Dude brings the wood on special teams.

2. My prediction for the WVU/UL showdown tonight: Louisvill 31 - WVU 21. The lou will jump Texas in the polls unless Texas donkey punches Okie State.

3. Baylor is dead to me. I really thought they were going to win by two touchdowns against he Ags. Their chances of making a bowl definitely took a hit as they'd have to beat two of the following three: Tech, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State. Not bloody likely. Sucks for Bell that his career ended that way, but it'll be good for the Bears to see what kind of player Szymanski is.

4. Further predictions:

The Heisman is already decided. Troy Smith is the winner with Brady Quinn and Steve Slaton as the other finalists.

UT over Oklahoma State by two touchdowns -- Bobby Reid plays magnificently but makes costly turnovers late in the game.

Oklahoma over TAMU -- This game will be decided by turnovers and could get out of hand if the Aggies get down early.

Other Big12: Nebraska over Mizzou, Tech over Baylor, Colorado over K-State, Kansas over Iowa State.

UPSET PICK: Vandy over Florida -- Florida's been squeaking by and Vandy is better than they look on paper. They lost two close ones to Arkansas and Alabama and lost early to Michigan (the current no. 2).

5. Upsets I'd like to see: LSU over bizarro-UT and UCLA over Cal.

 

Medical School

1. Fourth year continues to be awesome. I recommend everyone go to medical school just for the experience of this glorious year.

2. Radiology residents in general have it pretty cush, but nuclear medicine residents are living the high life. We're talking 9-4 M-F, no call EVER, low volume of studies. These guys spend a lot of time on the internet.

3. I'm flying out to Virginia in a few hours for my second interview of the season. I am curious to see the atmosphere at some of these other places. Charlottesville seems like a cool place, so I'm looking forward to it.

4. I've sort of changed my mind on residency a little. I'm more inclined to stay here at UTSW than I was before. Mostly because I don't want to leave the site of all the memories. Of Jacob Beniflah touching me inappropriately.