menometrorrhagia

Dear Dr. Cunty McCuntybitch,

I just wanted to take the opportunity to apologize for my role in your poor choice of career. I know that I should have done more to prevent you from making the terrible decision to go into Ob-Gyn. I should have looked out for you, letting you know that as overweight, unattractive, and ill-tempered as you are the last thing you needed was a career that precludes having a lifestyle that allows time for the occasional relaxing night out, exercise, and (in your case) more exercise. I know we just met and I couldn’t have known you two years ago when you were making this ill-fated decision at whatever school your 23 on the MCAT got you into. Still, I recognize the crucial role I must have played, or rather, should have — and failed to — play. As you chewed my ass in front of everyone for thinking that the lower limit of normal for the length of a cervix was 2cm rather than 2.5cm, two things became obvious to me. One, I don’t give a flying fuck about the length of a woman’s cervix. Two, you blame me for your current predicament. The unprovoked and unwarranted hostility allows no other conclusion.

When you asked “Are the charts for rooms 4, 5, and 6 all toned?” and I replied in the affirmative only to hear “They better be”, it’s obvious you were really saying “I’m glad you did that awful busy-work for me even though you are not technically my employee, but I’m still nothing but a miserable fat ugly thirty-year old with no prospects for love or even companionship who foolishly chose a profession that works me to the bone (or at least to about halfway through my copious subcutaneous adipose tissue, but would be to the bone on any human with a BMI of less than 35) and surrounds me with the ultimate example of everything I will never achieve in my life: love, family, bringing life into the world.” And when I muttered under my breath “What a bitch,” what I was really saying was “What a stupid, fat, ugly bitch.”

At any rate, I just wanted to let you know I am sorry for letting you down. I hope you manage to overcome my failure and find it in yourself to forgive me. If you want to talk about it you can give me a call anytime. I’ll be at home. With my wife. And beautiful daughter. Who love me very much.

Bitch.

Sincerely,

Matt